P.S. – Sorry; P.P.S.- Don’t Wait Up

I recently fell in love with a man.

And then I lost him.

I don’t think it was to either person’s fault.

I didn’t get a lot of time with him. I didn’t expect to get a lot of time, though. Realistically, I wasn’t even expecting for him to be in my life. I definitely wasn’t expecting to fall in love with him.

I think if it were up to me, I would’ve done everything in my power to keep him, because he proved to me that he was the type of person worth keeping. He was unlike any person I’ve ever met. There was something about him and I felt like we fired on all cylinders.

But I don’t believe he wants me to fight for him. So I’m not going to.

Because here’s the thing: he and I are not the same. We are two different people. He’s rough-around-the-edges, which combats my prim and proper demeanor. We are complete opposites; a Nicholas Sparks’ book in the making.

He was nothing that I wanted…but he was everything that I needed. He gave me a type of hope I haven’t felt in a long time.

I never shared about him on social media, or sang his praises. Not many people knew about him, only close family and close friends. But my lack of sharing was not due to the fact that I didn’t want to share about him and what we had. It was because he was mine, at least for that short time, and because I felt secure with what I had with him. I didn’t feel the need for the reassurance. I didn’t want social media and the outside world to convolute any of it.

I mean maybe I was wrong about the entire thing. We talked a lot. We talked about anything and everything. We talked about all of it. Maybe he meant some of the things he said. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe the situation wasn’t what I thought it was; maybe he wasn’t who I thought he was. I don’t think that matters all that much right now. The decision was made and it’s not my place to infringe on that.

The only reason I’m actually telling my story, and letting you know about this man, is because I know he won’t read this post. Maybe he will…He probably won’t. I don’t know. But it’s also not like any of this information isn’t something he doesn’t already know. He knows. Or maybe he doesn’t. Again, I don’t know.

I’m also telling my story because I promise an eventual blog post will come of it.

I can actually go in two directions with what I want to say, so I think I will. The first topic is something I actually refused to write about with every fiber of my being. I really did not want to talk about this because it’s such a touchy subject and at this point, it’s so saturated by the media. But because I’ve had it happen to me, and because I’ve recently had a lot of friends reach out to me for advice on this particular topic, I figured maybe it was time that I address it. This blog post, which I know will only be read by women, is to address the behavior of men. And what I really mean by that is the behavior of boys.

This topic makes my skin crawl, my heart hurt and my brain washed. But since I’m feeling combative, let’s talk about Peter Pan Syndrome.

Don’t know what it is? Kelsea Ballerini has you covered. If you can get past how badass KB looks in her music video, listen to the lyrics of the song. If you can’t get past how badass KB looks in her music video, don’t worry, I got you covered. The lyrics are below.

The smile, the charm, the words, the spark,
Everything, you had it
I guess I had a naive heart, cause boy,
I let you have it
You said I was your only,
I never thought you’d leave me lonely
You’re just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You’re just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground

You’re always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You’re never gonna learn there’s no such place as Neverland
You don’t understand
You’ll never grow up
You’re never gonna be a man,
Peter Pan

Deep down, I knew that you were too good to be true
But every piece and part of me wanted to believe in you
But now it’s happily ever never
I guess now I know better
You’re just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You’re just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground

You’re always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You’re never gonna learn there’s no such place as Neverland
You don’t understand
You’ll never grow up
You’re never gonna be a man,
Peter Pan

You’re just a lost boy, yeah, I know who you are
You don’t know what you lost, boy,
You’re too busy chasing stars

And you’re always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You’re never gonna learn there’s no such place as Neverland
You don’t understand
You’ll never grow up
You’re never gonna be a man

And that, my dear friends, is Peter Pan Syndrome (PPS, for short).

Over the last year and a half, there were two men, I felt, that really left an imprint on my life. Let’s call them Sean and Matt. I fell in love with both of them, at different times, for different reasons.

Sean was charismatic. His smile was contagious and it always reached his eyes. You’d get lost in those eyes if you weren’t careful. Sean picked whatever girl he wanted because Sean could pick any girl he wanted. I don’t know how or why he picked me. But it felt good to be by his side.

We had a whirlwind of a romance. He fell too hard and he left even harder. The last conversation I had with him was him telling me he loved me, but wasn’t sure if I was worth it. He didn’t know what he wanted. So I told him to leave.

Matt was my rough-around-the-edges hard-head that forced me look at new perspectives.

Matt was a little more sensible. He and I took our time making sure we were both people that we wanted to spend our time with. He put in the effort to break down my walls and I let him. But for whatever reason, he decided to put too much pressure on us. I won’t ever know what made him make the decision that he did, but I wished he wouldn’t have.

The biggest difference between these two are their levels of maturity.

The best way to describe Sean is that he’s the EliteDaily article you read on FaceBook the day after you were left high and dry, asking yourself, “what did I do wrong?”

Darling girl, I promise you that you never did anything wrong. It isn’t you. It will never be you. Trust me, I know that it hurts. I know that it stings. I know that you’re feeling unloved and unwanted and undesirable. You are none of those things. You are loved; you are so loved. Please, if nothing else, remember this: Boys like Sean will never grow up. They will always leave. They are the peter pans. They can’t articulate what they want or what they need. They will never be held accountable and they will never change. Please consider yourself lucky that this person is out of your life. It hurts; but you are better off.  

Matt isn’t a peter pan. Matt was a man. He had his life together, with a clear direction of where he was going. He talked about his feelings and he let me know what he was thinking. He made me realize that not all men are boys. He gave me hope. Yes, he chose to leave, and yes, I wished he hadn’t, but from what I can tell, he was a genuine person who, at one point, genuinely cared about me.

So I guess what I’m trying to say after all of that is please don’t give up. Despite all of what I just told you about my love life, I wish that was the worst of it. It’s not. I honestly have every reason under the sun to be a little fucking shit when it comes to my attitude about love and relationships.

But I’m not going to give up.

I believe in love, and I believe that there is someone out there. Maybe one day it’ll be Matt, or maybe it’ll be Sean, or maybe it’ll be someone I haven’t even met yet. I don’t know…but then again, you never do. So darling girl, do not let life get you down. Let it hurt, but let it make you stronger.

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it’s going to launch you into something great. So just focus, and keep aiming. 

One thought on “P.S. – Sorry; P.P.S.- Don’t Wait Up

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